I have been a Betty fan since I was a kid. I won't lie; she was not my favorite Golden Girl (RIP, Bea. In my heart 4-eva), but I loved her nonetheless. Then, when I got a little older, I got to appreciate Betty even more through the wonder of reruns on Nick at Nite and Game Show Network. I love her because she is a legend. She is an actress, a comedian, an animal rights activist, and just an overall badass. Not to mention a workhorse. Come on...how many 88 year olds do you know who are still working? And another thing...how many 88 years olds do you know who can stay up to watch SNL, never mind host the damn show? Come to think of it...let's be frank. How many 88 years olds do you even know? PERIOD?
The point is, Betty White is a fabulously swinging senior citizen, and she is a great example of just how awesome older folks can be. I think sometimes we give up on people once they hit a certain age (you know...45 or so) and we forget that the elderly can actually contribute something positive to our society. Yes, yes, I know...there are a few cases where old people are not exactly helpful to the world. For example...
...but why focus on the negatives? Seriously...that's just wrong.
Here at Maggie's Octopus, we are dedicated to smashing stereotypes and challenging all of you to think outside of the box. So today, let's try to expand our horizons and embrace some amazing old folks. So raise a glass of prune juice as Maggie's Octopus Proudly Presents...
OLD PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
THE GOLDEN GIRLS: OK, I know I already mentioned Betty White. But who cares? The Golden Girls deserve to be mentioned because they kick ass.
If you are my age, you probably loved watching the show when you were a kid, even though you probably didn't even get half of the jokes. That in itself is an amazing thing, because that meant the jokes were raunchy and inappropriate...which usually meant they were about sex...which usually meant they were about Blanche.
Oh, Blanche. We all know someone like Blanche, right? Some loose joker who sleeps around with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. You know...your slutty friend? Yeah. Well chances are, your friend is UNDER the age of 60. So when your friend does it, he or she is considered a huge whore. But when Blanche did it, let's face it: she was a fucking rock star.
And then there was Sophia, who could get away with saying anything, simply because she was 120 years old. And Rose the idiot and her St. Olaf stories...and, of course...my hero...
Dorothy Zbornak. Oh my GOD I love me some Dorothy Zbornak. She was a giant, caustic, sassy substitute teacher. And as cranky as she was, whenever her ex-husband Stan came around, she couldn't resist his manly powers. Sure, she acted like she hated him (most of the time)...but you just knew whenever she saw him, she got totally fired up and wanted to jump on his bald head. Whatever. Who could blame her? Just check out this fine cut of Grade A beef:
Excuse me for a minute. I need to go take a cold shower.
OK, I'm back. Bottom line...this show was amazing and hilarious and it totally focused on old people. So next time you see some old lady dragging her feet in front of you in line at CVS, don't assume she's lost...or confused...or writing a check for Polident. Instead, remember that amazing GG episode, and just assume the old lady is waiting for a price check on condoms.
Priceless.
Not that I even need to go on, but just to reinforce my argument, here are some other fabulous old people who don't suck:
YODA: Come on. What other 900-year old do you know that can run super fast, move shit with his mind, and kick the asses of basically anyone he wants? And normally, if you met someone who talked like Yoda (you know...fucking up his sentence structure and moaning at random times), you would assume that he was hardcore Alzheimer's...right? But then you see him whip out The Force on someone's ass and you realize it's all part of the plan. Oh and by the way...he does it all while wearing an old brown bathrobe. That, my friends, is a fucking badass old guy.
GRANDPA JOE: First things first. If you don't know who Grandpa Joe is, please leave my blog immediately and never come back. Then go play in traffic. Thanks!
For those of you who do know who he is, then you will know that he is one of the greatest old people EVER. First of all, he basically raised Charlie. Yes, I know Charlie had a mother, but come on. We all know she was pretty useless. I mean really...she washes clothes in a giant metal bath tub and stirs them with an oar. Can you say crazy? Hasn't she ever heard of a washing machine? God. And don't even get me started on that hair...and you all know you ALWAYS fast forwarded during "Cheer Up, Charlie." And if it was on TV, that's when you went to the bathroom or went to get a drink. YOU KNOW YOU DID.
Enough about Charlie's deadbeat mom. Let's get back to Grandpa Joe. I say he was the real man of the house. Yeah, yeah...I know there were three other grandparents living in the house, but come on. They were all senile. The only purpose they served was to keep the bed warm for Grandpa Joe.
In case you still need convincing, let me remind you about some of the kick ass things Grandpa Joe did:
-told Charlie to buy Wonka bars, even though the family was dirt poor and could have used the money for much more important things...like firewood, Grandpa George's heart medication, or a haircut for Mrs. Bucket
-got up out of bed after vegging out for 20 years straight...just to have a hoe-down dance party with Charlie after he won the Golden Ticket
-stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks with Charlie even though Willy Wonka told everyone not to, then hatched the genius, life-saving plan to belch his way out of being decapitated by the giant ceiling fan when he floated too high
-tore Willy Wonka a new asshole at the end of the movie when Willy threatened to rescind on his offer of giving Charlie his free chocolate
Seriously...I haven't even done ONE of those things. And Grandpa Joe did all of them. In less than two hours. I don't deserve to live.
Let's not forget these Honorable Mentions, who also make it really cool to be really ancient:
Johnny Pesky, Red Sox legend
Grandpa Huxtable, jazz legend
Pearl from 227
Mark Twain
The angry lady on the cards who tells it like it is. I think her name is Maxine. But my sister and I just refer to her as The Old Lady Who Jokes About Saggy Boobs A Lot
Ben Matlock
Mr. Hooper
Mr. Wizard
Wilford Brimley...um...I don't know why I picked him. I just like the way he says 'diabetes'
Whatever. The point is that these people are amazing AND they are old. So stop beeping at old people if they are driving slow. Don't make faces at them if they take too long in public restrooms. Get off their case if they just so happen to drive their car into your front yard, local hospital, or business. Just lay off already. Because you never know...the old person in that car could be Betty White.
OK. Chances are, it's not Betty White. It's probably someone who can't see, hear, or walk, and who should have had their license revoked years ago. But whatever. Get over yourself.
Hahaha! Awesome. I had one of the coolest "people connections" with this old lady who owned a bed and breakfast in Maine. I was there on business and she not only made me a rockin homemade breakfast, helped me build a trifold display for my conference and made me a hand made pot holder to take home as a souvenir, she also had the greatest sense of humor AND was all about letting me know if I had any gay friends who worked at Disney who wanted a Maine vacation, she was a gay-friendly bed and breakfast. She rocked. She and I talked about the fact that a lot of people assume because she's old, she's conservative and humorless and likes to stay put. But this sassy old lady was the sole proprietor of the aforementioned establishment AND she'd started the business because she was sick of her old house in CT and decided to up and move without telling her kids. Hysterical. I can't wait to grow up and be awesome like Liz from the Blue Butterfly B&B in Machias, ME.
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