I once was LOST, but now am found...

Greetings!

Sorry it has been a while. I have been really busy with work and coaching and directing my rap video...but it seems that life is settling down a bit, so I'm BACK to blogging!

OK, that's a bunch of crap. The truth is, I work about 13.2 hours a week. Coaching only kept me busy because I ended up drinking for about six hours after every game. The real reason I'm so busy is because I recently discovered the following apps for my iPhone:


Twitter,


Angry Birds,


and Fruit Ninja.

I pretty much only come up for air from those three things to bathe, eat, use the bathroom, and go to Gary Coleman's funeral. However, the novelty is wearing off (slightly), so I'm actually starting to have some free time back. So, instead of doing something productive, like exercise, laundry, or go to Rue McClanahan's funeral, I figure I'll do some blogging! Yes, friends. I am a winner.

Speaking of things keeping me busy, I recently said goodbye to a dear friend who kept me entertained for many years. Yes, friends. You guessed it: the television show LOST.

(Wait...you thought I was actually talking about a real person? You did? You moron!)

Anyway, LOST was a staple in my household throughout its amazing six-season run, so it was terribly heartbreaking to bid it farewell a couple of weeks ago. Now, I'm not going to sit here and waste anyone's time with my LOST theories. That would take way too much time...and, quite frankly, I'm not sure any of you are smart enough to follow my deep LOST thoughts anyway. Instead, I will just tell you this: I miss my LOST. I looked forward to watching it every week and talking with my (smart) friends about it afterward. I loved the mystery. I was captivated by the intensity. I really liked looking at Sawyer's chest.

Now that LOST is over, I find that there is a giant void in my life that needs to be filled. While I have done my best to try to fill that void with such things as food, alcohol, sex with prostitutes, and Silly Bandz, NOTHING even comes close.

OK, maybe the Silly Bandz come sort of close. But not quite.

I concluded that this LOST replacement HAD to be another TV show. Something with the same kind of intrigue, intelligence, and intensity. Something that will make me think and feel and care. I tried a few shows on for size, but nothing seemed to quite fit...

...too depressing


...too creepy


...too campy


...too stupid


...too close to home

I was just about ready to give up on TV altogether, but then I discovered another show...in the most unlikely of places.

No, not the Playboy channel. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Besides, we don't get that channel anyway. I checked.

Anyhoo, as you probably recall, I nanny for my friend's kids once a week, and every now and then we splurge with a little afternoon TV watching. One afternoon while looking for Thomas and Friends, we came across another show by accident. The show? Oh...you just wait. It was...

Yes. I know. This show has been around for a while. I understand. But it is just coming into my life now, so you can all just shut up. Let me have my moment.

Let's just say that after watching one episode, I was hooked. I can't even describe it...but let me try to put it into terms people of my generation will understand...

Remember when you were a kid, and you watched The Golden Girls, and you thought it was the greatest show ever...but the truth was, you really didn't get most of the content because it was really geared toward adults? (Yes, I wrote about this in my last blog post...just bear with me). Anyway...what I'm getting at is that YO GABBA GABBA IS THIS GENERATION'S GOLDEN GIRLS. No, I don't mean that it has old ladies having sex or eating cheesecake. What I mean is that Yo Gabba Gabba is TOTALLY meant for adults! The humor and the genius is totally lost on the stupid 5 year olds who watch it. (Yeah, I just called 5 year olds stupid. Deal with it. Most of them are and you know it.)

So maybe my Golden Girls comparison makes no sense. I'm just trying to say that Yo Gabba Gabba is epic and amazing and hilarious and deranged. And it is my new favorite show. In fact, after seeing the first one, I went home and DVR-ed as many as I could. And then I watched them. Yes, assholes. Make fun all you want. But I am seriously in love. This shit is funnier and wackier than anything I have seen in a long time. It's like Laugh-In and Sesame Street got married, then Sesame Street took some acid for a while and hooked up with They Might Be Giants...and then nine months later Sesame Street had a baby...but then the baby was adopted by Flavor Flav...who was married to The Electric Company...and who hired The Teletubbies to babysit.

You're with me, right?

OK. So more about the show. Every episode of Yo Gabba Gabba is different, and it seems like every one focuses on teaching some useful life skill, lesson, or breakdance move. The very first show I ever saw focused on eating and cleaning up. We'll get to that later.

Like I said before, I went home and DVR-ed a few episodes. I know I have a lot to catch up on, but for now, I'd like to report back some of my findings. Enjoy.

SHIT I LIKE THE MOST SO FAR ON YO GABBA GABBA, by Yours Truly

First of all, let's talk about the characters. We can't talk about anyone until we mention this guy...

Apparently his name is DJ Lance. But for the purposes of this post, let's just call him DJ Fucking Awesome. Because he is.

From what I gather, DJ Fucking Awesome was on his way to a Deee-Lite reunion tour when he accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up in Yo Gabba Gabba Land. After a few days of starvation, he was rescued by the natives, nursed back to health, and crowned mayor. He now happily presides over the town (which is kind of like a really cool diorama come to life), and emcees the daily comings and goings around the world of Yo Gabba Gabba. You with me so far?

Anyway, DJ Fucking Awesome is the king...which makes sense, because he is fucking amazing. But besides that, he is about 400 times bigger than all of the other characters on the show, so I'm guessing he kind of got the position by default. Whatever. That part really isn't important.

The characters in the Yo Gabba Gabba shoebox are five freaky puppet looking things. They all have fucked up names, but I would much rather call them by the pet names I created: The Yellow Robot, The Blue Cat, The One-Eyed Orange Vibrator, The Pink Flower, and Long Armed Green Guy.

OK, now that we know the main characters, let's talk about some show highlights.

Get this. One day, Jack Black is driving around on a minibike. A talking minibike. His bike runs out of gas and he ends up in Yo Gabba Gabba Land. This leads to Jack Black dancing around the Yo Gabba Gabba forest and singing about getting lost. But then he gets some help from the five Gabba creatures and they end up being good friends and eating together and having a dance party.

The moral of the story: If you get lost in the woods, hook up with the weirdest fuckers you can find, and instantly tell them your name and let them help you and feed you. Perfect.

Seriously, though...if DJ Fucking Awesome stopped me in the woods and wanted to hang out, I'd be all over that shit!

There are a crapload of other guest stars on this show, but I haven't gotten too far yet in the episodes so I can't speak about that too much. However, one of the coolest ones I have seen so far is the dude from Devo, who comes on and does this 21st century Picture Pages-like segment. Granted, it's not nearly as cool as Picture Pages, but let me tell you something...Billy Cosby never taught me how to draw a cat!

Let's move on to some of the more regular occurrences on the show.

Several times during each episode, there are random intervals of kids dancing. The formula is pretty simple: find the cutest GAP Kids models on the planet (or ugly kids who are cute by default because they are super ethnic) and let them bust out their most freestyle dance moves of all time. It's almost always accompanied by the kid saying, "My name is ______! And I like to dance!" It is pretty amazing. (Oh, by the way, if you have a traditional name, you are NOT invited to participate in this dance club. So your best bet is to run to the nearest courthouse and change your name to something like Peyton or Kainoa or Holland or Darla or Myles).

PS--There are also occasional short clips of these same Benetton kids walking around in a Donkey Kong-like video game world or riding a flying cartoon elephant. Brilliant.

You want to be let in on a really cool secret? OK...well, I was able to go about 10 years into the future (via my time machine) and I found a picture of the Yo Gabba Gabba Kid Dancers in the year 2020, as young adults. Here are just a few updated shots:


Mmmmhm. The future is bright, friends.

Another amazing part of the show is when the characters eat. First, let me ask you something...what normally happens when you eat? I don't know about you, but when I eat, I'm normally in a hurry. Whether I'm in the middle of work, or running from the police, or whatever...there isn't usually enough time to really enjoy my meal. However, the dudes on Yo Gabba Gabba actually SING while they are eating. They sing a song called "There's a Party in My Tummy." The song is so joyful that even the FOOD doesn't care that it is being eaten...it actually LIKES being shredded up and shot down into the stomachs of the characters. Look how happy this piece of carrot is to be swallowed into Jack Black's stomach. LOOK, I said!

There was one time in a different episode where the big green guy didn't eat his carrots, and look how upset the carrots got:


In the same episode, the Yo Gabba Gabba gang sang about snack time...in a lyrically rich song called "Snacky Snack Snack." The song went a little something like this:

Snacky snack snack snack, snack, snack
Snacky snack snack snack! Snack! Snack!
Snacky snack snack snack, snack, snack
Snacky snack snack SNACK SNACK SNACK!
Hooraaaaaay!

At the very end of the song, DJ Fucking Awesome looked directly into the camera and said, "Mmmmm. I like snacks!"

Dude. If that DJ Fucking Awesome isn't the greatest person alive, I don't know who is. I love snacks, too...but damn. He makes it sound so god damned epic.

Speaking of epic, there is a song about cleaning up. I think it's called "Clean It Up, Clean It Up." If you haven't already figured it out, the songs on Yo Gabba Gabba are not very complicated. In fact, I did some research, and it turns out all of the songs are written by those monkeys in front of typewriters you always hear people joking about. Yes, they really do exist. And they have had many beers.

Anyway, about the cleaning up song...the creatures dump trash in a can, and the can says, "THANK YOU!" as the pieces of filthy garbage are being thrown into its head. Then a tree and a hill smile and say things like, "This is so beautiful, I want to cry." Amazing.

Speaking of cleaning, why don't you watch this totally normal video about washing your hands...



Yo Gabba Gabba teaches other great lessons, like how to be kind to animals. This next song is all about being nice to all animals, like dogs and cats and bunnies who ride bicycles and starfish and wild bears who are loose in public. Watch it.



Seriously. Unicorns? Growing our hair with them? I need need need need to be a writer on this show. Come on. Please excuse me while I compose a letter.

Dear DJ Fucking Awesome,

I am begging you. Please hire me. I love your show. It is the kind of crazy shit I imagine and dream about and think about to myself ALL OF THE TIME, but never share with anyone because I'm afraid none of my friends will like me anymore. God damnit...it turns out there are more people like me out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me.

Love,
Yours Truly