The Resolution Revolution

Hello friends,

I have to give a shout out to my friends Jenny and Lisa...first of all, they deserve recognition for being such great people. In addition to that, they encouraged me to hop back on the blog and write a new entry. But the real reason they deserve a shout out is because they (along with me) were almost able to eat an ENTIRE blooming onion at The Boynton today. That, my friends, is impressive shit! We deserve a crown, for God's sake! Or at least a sash of some sort.

(This is a picture of us in the parking lot shortly after eating 90% of the onion. I'm the pretty one.)

Now that I've gotten the thank yous out of the way, it's time to move on to something very timely and important: New Year's resolutions. I'm sure for most of you, this time of year brings up feelings and thoughts of new beginnings, goals, and other bullshit that typically never comes to fruition. Come on, pal. You know it's true...and don't act like you're better than the rest of us fake promise makers. In case you haven't thought about your resolution yet, let me save you some time and give you a list. Chances are, you'll find exactly what you're looking for:

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION BULLSHIT CHECKLIST OF CRAP YOU SAY YOU'LL DO IN 2011 BUT NEVER ACTUALLY WILL, by Maggie's Octopus

-Lose 50 pounds
-Quit _________ (smoking, drinking, picking your nose, cracking your knuckles, making fun of ugly people, stalking that guy on facebook, drinking out of the milk carton, stealing other people's credit cards, etc...)
-Volunteer to help people less fortunate than you
-Start ________ more (exercising, reading, showering, wearing clothes in public, etc...)
-Be nicer
-Keep in better touch with _______ (parents, college friends, in-laws, parole officer, person who donated his kidney to you, etc...)
-Save money
-Do some ambitious physical feat (run a marathon, climb a mountain, lift a car, win a heavyweight title, etc...)
-Learn how to _______ (cook, speak Spanish, scrapbook, play piano, crochet, ride a unicycle, pole dance, etc...)

Tell me right now you weren't totally thinking of at least eight of those already. TELL ME. With a straight face.

Liar.

Hey, listen. Don't feel guilty about making bullshit resolutions. We all do it. We set ourselves up for failure every year...either we fail immediately on January 1, OR we stick with the resolution for a couple of weeks, but then we feel terrible and guilty the first time we cave and eat a cupcake or light up a cigarette or shoplift at Victoria's Secret or fall asleep in church or whatever. Well LISTEN UP. I'm here to tell you that it's totally OK to get real with yourself. Stop making promises you can't keep and instead, make resolutions that you are actually capable of honoring.

Because I care so much about you, I'm going to set the tone by sharing my resolutions for 2011. It's a list of things that I am currently not doing nearly enough, and my goal is to really stick to the idea of doing more of these things in the coming year. Hopefully by reading this list, you will be inspired to think about your own goals and start the new year on a positive, realistic note.

And now, I proudly present...

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS - NO MORE BULLSHIT

RESOLUTION 1: Tell People How I Really Feel

If I do say so myself, I'm probably one of the nicest, kindest, most empathic and compassionate people I know. Not to mention humble (clearly). But here's the thing: throughout the course of my life, and particularly during my infamous Year Off, I realized something: I hate being nice all the time. It's incredibly exhausting and quite frankly, most people don't deserve it. Sure, sure. I know my job requires me to be nice. I'm cool with that. After all, I get paid to do that. And, believe it or not, I actually like being nice to 99% of the people I encounter at work. So don't go start spreading rumors about me and work. I had a hard enough time clearing my name after the whole Last Day of School Incident of 2007.


Forget work. I'm talking about all of the other times. You know...times in life when you really don't feel like being nice, but you are anyway? Just because it's the "nice" or "thoughtful" or "civil" thing to do. Well, you know what? I've had enough of that shit! Why do I have to be nice to people when it seems like the majority of the world is inconsiderate, rude, sloppy, smelly, and belligerent? I want a piece of that action, damnit!

So, from this day forward, if you do something to piss me off, I'm going to tell you. If you drop the ball, I'm going to call you on it. If you give me the same shitty, lame excuse for the 500th time, I'm going to chew your face off. If your pants are too tight and your fat is rolling over the top, then damnit, I'm NOT going to tell you that you look good. If you continue to post stupid shit on facebook, I will no longer click the "like" button. If you are a generally undesirable person, I'm going to kick you out of my VIP life circle. Forever. And then I will sing this song.



RESOLUTION 2: Make the Best Damn Donut Holes in Town

Every year we go to Connecticut for a family Christmas party. Sadly, this year we had to miss it because of the stupid blizzard that came through and slammed us the other day. One of the traditions of this party is a very competitive Yankee Swap, and since we weren't able to attend the party, our Yankee Swap gifts never made it there, either. So what's a girl to do? Save the gift for next year's swap? OH HELL NO! Instead, I chose to do the smart thing: open the gift and put it to good use! And what might that amazing ($20 or under) Yankee Swap gift be? Well, friends, feast your eyes on THIS:

Yeah that's right. It's a donut hole maker. Not just any donut hole maker...but the finest donut hole maker that Kmart had to offer! Mmmmmmmmmmmm donut holes.

For those of you who always thought, "Donut holes are IMPOSSIBLE to make. I'll never be able to get that same magical flavor in the comfort of my own home...." my response to you is, YES. You are probably right about that. However, if you're nice to me and you're not a complete jerk (see Resolution 1), then maybe someday I'll share some of my magical holes with you. Because, friends, I plan on completely mastering this beast of a donut machine. No. Forget that. I am going to DOMINATE it. And people will be lining up outside of my door and begging me for two things:

1--donut holes
2--my forgiveness (if they happened to be one of those assholes from Resolution 1)

RESOLUTION 3 - Beef Up on My Trivia/Build a Dynasty

I fancy myself to be something of a genius when it comes to most things. OK...specifically, things like: music, TV, celebrity gossip, spelling, sports that matter, cartoons, cereal, beer, Nancy Drew books, the fortunes on the bottom of Bazooka Joe comics, and Matlock. However, even geniuses know their limits. For example, I know that I am somewhat lacking in the following areas:

-science
-geography
-history
-math
-action movies
-origami
-wine
-Justin Bieber
-golf

And, although my brain may have a few tiny deficits, my current fund of knowledge is giant enough that I am able to dominate in most trivia endeavors. However, I recently decided to step beyond the friendly game of Trivial Pursuit and take on something a little more challenging...

BAR TRIVIA.

Yes. Bar trivia. Don't judge until you have tried it.

So anyway...the haunted bar down the street has Trivia Night every Thursday. After listening in a few times, I decided that I was ready to join in and become an official competitor. I gathered up a few of my genius friends and we took the challenge. So far, we have played three different times and only placed once. Third place, to be exact...out of about 12 teams, which isn't too bad. But let's face it---it's not too good, either. I don't know about you, but in addition to being a genius, I also tend to be a pretty fierce competitor. And when I play something, I play to win. Yes, yes. I know...it's also nice just to have fun. But come on, people. What's more fun than winning?

Another giant motivation for winning (besides just winning) is sticking it to the other people playing. Let's put it this way...some of the people who play trivia are incredibly annoying. What I mean by that is...they are just as competitive as me. And, while it's totally acceptable for me to cheer and yell and high-five my teammates when I get a particularly difficult question correct, it is completely UNacceptable when the dude at the next table does it. The other night, there was actually a guy running back and forth in the bar saying things like "YEEEEAH in your face!" to another table after his team got something right. Seriously? It's bar trivia, buddy. What a douche. I bet that guy was never an All-American softball player.

So, in an effort to crush that moron (and everyone else) at trivia in the coming year, I need to do some serious studying...because let's face it--life isn't all about pink and orange pie questions. However, increasing my trivia knowledge requires spending time on things I don't like...and what's the point of that? My time is way too valuable for that. So, consider this an open casting call for the GREATEST TRIVIA TEAM OF ALL TIME. So far we have three hardcore permanent members. We are allowed six. If you think you are up for the challenge, give me a call. In addition to knowing a lot of shit about unimportant things (like history, geography, etc)...it would be in your best interest if you also like the following things:

-french fries
-beer
-picking up the tab once in a while/a lot


It also helps if you...

-don't mind staying up late on a Thursday night
-are not afraid of ghosts
-don't mind if someone on the team accidentally yells "FUCK" in the final round after realizing she didn't wager enough points that would have put us into second or first place instead of third

Come on! Think about it. I'll promise you one thing: it's a hell of a lot more fun than exercising!

Happy New Year! :)