And, to clarify, by "thousands" I mean two. But the two of you are incredibly special people. Much love to you.
Just to reiterate--I have an oversized brain. It is filled with millions of little nuggets of knowledge. It allows me to think and speak and joke and listen and plot and scheme my way through life. Not to brag, but I'm something of a genius. But onto something you don't already know, right? I know.
I'll be the first to admit that I don't know everything. If you read my post about New Year's resolutions, you may remember that I confessed to not knowing much about certain unimportant subjects (like math, science, geography, history, etc). But lately, I have noticed a few random, strange questions that I just can't seem to answer. And they're not even that complicated...they're just stupid. But, since my life is an open book, I am willing to share my stupidity with all of you in the hopes that I can get some of my questions answered.
So, without any further ado, I stupidly present to you...
SHIT I DON'T UNDERSTAND, by Maggie's Octopus
Today's offering...
The Name of the Donut - I have a confession: I like donuts. Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking: How can such a fit, thin, and physiologically perfect human specimen actually eat DONUTS? That answer, friends, will have to wait for another blog post.
In this particular situation, however, the donuts in question are not for me. I PROMISE! Long story short, I have been rewarding certain individuals with donuts over the past few weeks. I won't tell you who exactly is getting the donuts, in fear that some idiot will read this and complain about the nutritional value of donuts and serving donuts in school and using food as rewards and bla bla bla. You get the point.
Anyway, I let the individuals select the kind of donut they like, and then I buy that donut for them. Easy enough, right? There are three people and they each like a different donut. Let me give you a visual of each donut:
Person #1 likes...
Person #2 likes...
Person #3 likes...
OK. So I want you to take a minute to look at each donut and tell yourself what you call each one. For example, if you pulled up to the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts, how would you order Donut 1? 2? 3?
Do you see what I'm getting at, people? Because this is where my confusion really sets in.
Let's start with Donut #2. That seems to be the easiest one, at least in my opinion. That, friends, is the famous Boston Cream Donut. You can tell by the little piece of squirted cream dried up in the corner of the donut. For those of you who might not be from around here, a Boston Cream is basically a plain donut with chocolate on top...but the secret is the ungodly amount of sugary, creamy, puddingy pukey stuff squirted and sealed inside. And while most regular donuts (you know...the ones with holes in the middle) weigh a few ounces, the Boston Cream comes in at about three and a half pounds. When you bite into a Boston Cream donut, it explodes all over you and squirts yellowish-white cream all over your shirt and hands and lap.
OK. I think it's time to change the subject.
Whatever. The point is, most of us know what a Boston Cream donut is. There's no nickname or alternative or variation. You order a Boston Cream, you get a (nasty, explosive) Boston Cream. Let's move onto the tricky ones....Donuts #1 and #3.
What do YOU call Donut #1? Look at it. It's a plain donut with chocolate on top. So wouldn't that be called a Chocolate Covered donut? Doesn't that seem right? Yeah. That's what I thought. Apparently, though, not everyone speaks the same donut language. For some reason, when I order a "Chocolate Covered Donut," I am not consistently getting the same thing. Sometimes I get this:
...but other times I'll get this:
I don't understand. How is that last one a Chocolate Covered? Isn't that just a Chocolate? I mean, I guess it's covered with some white drippy shit. But that doesn't count. UGH.
So back to Donut #1. When I ask for a Chocolate Covered donut, a few people just say OK and I get the right thing. Other times, the donut worker will ask for clarification. "Did you want a chocolate donut? Or a chocolate glazed? Which one?" Then of course, I get all nervous and don't know what to say. Usually I say something brilliant like, "The white donut with the brown stuff on top." I also use hand gestures to show me rubbing the chocolate on top of the donut. Seriously...what the fuck. I went to graduate school for this?
This kind of leads into Donut #3. Just so you all know, when I asked Person #3 what kind of donut she likes, she said, "Double Chocolate Donut."
Oh shit. Are you kidding me?
She assured me that Dunkin Donuts carried a "Double Chocolate Donut," so I went with it. OK. So, on Week One, I pulled up to the drive thru and ordered just that. Here's what I got:
And, sure enough, when I handed the donut over to Person #3, she showed her approval. Apparently this IS a Double Chocolate Donut. It's a chocolate donut with chocolate on top. Makes sense, right? Beautiful.
Week Two came around. Same Dunkin Donuts. Same time of day. Same order: "Double Chocolate Donut." This is what I got:
Oh dear.
I handed the donut over to Person #3. It wasn't a Double Chocolate. I apologized to the recipient in advance. Apparently this was just a Chocolate Donut. A "single chocolate," if you will. I screwed up.
No worries. My Donut Girl was just as happy. In fact, her response was, "Actually, I like this kind better. I think I'll stick with this one from now on." Awwww!
See, this is why I like kids so much better than I like adults.
OK...so now that I've confused you and wasted your time with my donut stories, I think it's time to get some straight answers. I consulted what I thought would be THE authority on donuts: The Dunkin Donuts website. They have a pull down donut menu with all of their different varieties (to give nutritional information on each one). Sadly, they are not accompanied by pictures, so the mystery lives on. However, here are the donuts they offer featuring the word chocolate...
Chocolate Frosted Cake Donut
Chocolate Frosted Donut
Chocolate Glazed Cake Donut
Chocolate Kreme Filled Donut
Double Chocolate Cake Donut
Dulce de Chocolate Donut
WTF. I think I'm going to start bringing these kids bagels instead.
What I do when I get donuts for... people... is just get one kind and say, "Here's your donuts." When they complain, which they do no matter what I get them, I say, "When you start buying them, you can pick what you want." And then when they start swearing at me, I kick them out of class. Things are so much simpler at my school.
ReplyDeleteIt's Dunkies, the people there are often not as smart about donuts as my dogs. Cassie for example, correctly identified each type of donut, as well as the chocolate glazed, and also hinted that she knew DD was open today and was only a 1.1 mile walk.
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