Having said that, it seems that watching the Super Bowl is some sort of obligation or civic duty. It's a chance for people who don't ever watch football to pretend like they care about it for a few hours. It's also a great opportunity for everyone to get together with friends, drink and eat heavily on a Sunday night, and wake up for work the next day feeling bloated, hungover, and smelling like a nacho. Who would let such a wonderful opportunity slip through the cracks? Not me, that's for sure.
In addition to gaining five pounds in one evening, the Super Bowl is also a chance for people to indulge in another classic American pastime: gambling. What better way for a non-football fan to get involved in the game...than to foolishly and blindly invest money in it! Brilliant!
There are lots of ways to intelligently wager money on the game...I'm sure a lot of people actually take the time to research, calculate, study statistics, and use their football knowledge to bet on the game with some sense of confidence. However, I prefer to flush my money down the toilet in a completely random process known as The Super Bowl Square. This isn't my actual square...but it's the same idea:
I decided to help a friend and her favorite charity by purchasing a Super Bowl Square (it makes it OK if it's for charity, right?). I gave her ten dollars and, in turn, she threw my name in a hat, pulled it out, and randomly assigned it to a square on a piece of paper. The square determines my "numbers" for the game...I don't feel like explaining it, but let's just say that the numbers have to do with the score of the football game, and if your square matches up, you win a crapload of money. So far, so good?
OK...well I consulted some of my friends who actually know a thing or two about football...and I shared my square number combination with them: 2 and 2. The overwhelming opinion regarding my numbers is that I have a better chance at getting a suntan today than I do at winning any money. Screw that.
So it has already been determined that I'm probably not winning any money. And I know I'm not going to enjoy watching the football game. The commercials are OK, but only for the first half hour or so. God knows the halftime show is going to be a gigantic disaster...I mean, really? The Black Eyed Peas? When was the last time they were relevant? I'd rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than watch the stupid Black Eyed Peas. Fergie tries way too hard to be sexy and interesting and the other guys try too hard to be Michael Jackson in 1995. It's just hideous.
Whatever. So what's a girl to do? I could sit on the couch and cry. I could whine and complain and ruin the Super Bowl for everyone else. I could go somewhere else in the house and read a book. I could go to bed early. I could do laundry. But I won't, because those are all terrible, selfish ideas.
Instead, I have come up with some brilliant ways to stay entertained that don't really involve giving a shit about football. I only wish I had enough time to incorporate it into my own gambling game...but there's always next year, right?
So listen up: if you're like me, and you want to be social and look like you're having fun during the Super Bowl (even though you'd rather be hit by a plow), just try these fun games. I've put together a checklist that will keep you attentive, focused on the game, and maybe even having a little fun along the way. Feast your eyes on...
MAGGIE'S OCTOPUS' FIRST ANNUAL SUPERBOWL CHECKLIST
Grab a pen and piece of paper, and give yourself a point every time you see any of the following things happen. If you want to make it fun, make bets ahead of time and see who comes closest to the final total. Or, turn it into a drinking game and take a swig from your bottle of gin any time any of these items occur. I really don't care. I'm open to anything that will make your night more enjoyable.
DURING THE PRE-GAME SHOW:
-the number of times "snow in Texas" is mentioned
-the number of times they show the video clip of snow falling off the roof of Cowboys Stadium
-the number of times Terry Bradshaw says something offensive and/or incoherent
-the number of pink or purple pieces of clothing that are worn by the crew by any MALE member of the FOX sports on-camera crew
-the number of times any of the announcers handles a football in any way, shape, or form (5 bonus points if Howie Long throws it to anyone)
-the number of times someone mentions that a current member of the FOX crew is in the Hall of Fame or that one of them should be in the Hall of Fame
-any time it is implied that Ben Roethlisberger is a misunderstood hero instead of a giant douchebag sociopath
DURING THE OPENING CEREMONIES:
-the number of times it is brought to our attention that troops from around the world are watching the game from a live feed in the desert
-the number of idiots it takes to complete a stupid coin toss (one point for every person involved)
-the number of times Christina Aguilera sings a long and overly dramatic run during The National Anthem
-the number of close-up shots of people who have not taken off their cheese hat during The National Anthem
DURING THE FOOTBALL GAME:
-the number of times a football player celebrates excessively for completing a totally routine play (5 bonus points if the player is on the losing team at the time)
-the number of times the referee tries way too hard to sound cool when he's on the microphone describing a penalty
-the number of times a coach is shown on the sidelines covering his face so no one can read his lips and figure out what he's saying
-the number of injuries that occur during the game, with the following parameters:
- 1 point: nothing major, goes back on the field within one play
- 5 points: removed from the game and taken to the locker room
- 10 points: immediate or certain impending death
DURING THE HALFTIME SHOW:
-Sorry. You're on your own for this one. I refuse to watch that shit show.
AT ANY POINT IN THE ENTIRE BROADCAST:
-the number of times you see a football player, coach, referee, or water boy gesture to God or heaven in any way (this can include performing the signs of the cross, hands pressed together in prayer, pointing to the sky, yelling out "THANK YOU JESUS," etc...)
-the number of ludicrous and obnoxious "sponsored events" that occur...for example, The Pepsi Coin Toss or The Doritos Starting Lineups or The Viagra Hardest Slam of the Game Award...you get the point
-the number of close-up shots of stupid fans who are waaaaaay too dressed up in their team's colors and look like complete assholes
-any time you see a sign in the stands that contains a spelling or grammatical error
-any reference to Troy Polamalu's or Clay Matthews' hair
-any time a celebrity is featured in the audience (bonus points if it's a FOX star and they get a caption underneath their name...like "Star of Glee" or "The Dead Guy in Last Week's Episode of Bones")
-the number of times you feel like punching someone or slitting your wrists because of something Joe Buck said
OK, friends. This should keep you busy...and it's a HELL of a lot more fun than looking at a bunch of squares with numbers in them. Let me know how it goes!
xoxo
"The Viagra Hardest Slam of the Game Award" - instant classic
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