Stop Your Bitching

Hello!

So here I am, sitting at home with my ass on the couch...yet another day off from work due to the snow. That idiot groundhog apparently came out of his hole this morning and didn't see his shadow, which supposedly means that spring is coming early this year. Yeah, right. I don't know who times this whole Groundhog Day thing...but don't you think today was sort of a shitty day to talk about spring's early arrival? This is basically what my entire town looks like:

Besides, what the hell does a stupid groundhog have to do with predicting the weather? I never understood that. I mean...maybe if the groundhog emerged from a hole in the ground of its own volition, and this magically happened every year on February 2...MAYBE then I'd be slightly impressed. But the reality is that some idiot who looks like Mr. Monopoly drags a poor, fat groundhog out of a cage, kicking and screaming and clawing, then holds it up in front of a giant mob of people and claims spring is on its way. Seriously...this is a recognized holiday?

Whatever. So, once again, I find myself cursing out Mother Nature and bitching about the weather and wishing for springtime and flowers and sunshine and happy days ahead. Well you know what? I'm SICK of complaining. It doesn't make winter go by any faster and it just makes me grouchy. As a matter of fact, last night on the news, some dude was interviewing a local psychologist...and he was saying that winter can really take a toll on our stress level if we allow ourselves to let winter control us. He said that it's all about our attitudes, and instead of screaming and complaining and feeling helpless, we must remember that we are in control of our attitudes and we should do all we can to be productive during these frigid, snowy times.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to complain anymore. I'm going to be PRODUCTIVE. And I want you to join me. So, since I know many of you turn to Maggie's Octopus for inspiration, I'm prepared to help you find ways to embrace winter and use it to your advantage. You're welcome.

Here we go...Maggie's Octopus is proud to present:

HOW TO MAKE WINTER YOUR BITCH: Ways to Be Productive in Winter That Don't Involve Killing Someone

TIP #1: HOMEMADE X-GAMES

This past weekend, my husband and I were watching the Winter X-Games. You know, that competition where crazy, overpaid stoners ski and snowboard and do backflips on snowmobiles and drink lots of Red Bull. It's like 40 hours long. Good times.

Anyway, watching all of these 16-25 year olds flying through the air and speeding down ski slopes and smoking tons of weed and making more money in one weekend than I probably will this entire year made me stop and think: while I'm sitting here in the house complaining, these X-Games people are out enjoying the winter weather. I could be doing that, too! So here are a few ways you can enjoy yourself in the winter AND get some great exercise. All you have to do is create your own homemade X-Games. Just find a few friends in the neighborhood and make it happen. For example...everyone has snow on their roof. Gas stations are collapsing and parking garages are falling down on top of people. It's a mess. Do you really want your house to be the next one landing on the nightly news? Or worse, landing on you? Exactly.

So you know you have to clean your roof off anyway...why not have fun with it? Bring a few friends on the roof and let the games begin! Try this fun game: After you shovel the 500 pounds of snow off the roof, you and your pals can have fun jumping into the mega pile you left on the ground. Ask your wimpy neighbors (who refused to get on the roof) to serve as judges. Treat it like the Big Air competition and see who can perform the most badass trick off the roof. You can award prizes for the winners...like

BEST FLIP
FUNNIEST INJURY
LONGEST TIME BEING SUBMERGED IN THE SNOW PILE WITHOUT DYING

I highly recommend taking some video...so you can watch the footage later on from your hospital bed. Make sure you add some strobe light effects and alternative-techno-rap music in the background to make it feel more authentic.

Another fun thing you can do is play that old fashioned game from our youth...KING OF THE MOUNTAIN! You remember that game, right? It's the one where a bunch of kids stand on top of a big rock or a hill or a pile of snow, trash, etc....and see who can stay on it the longest. The goal is to push, punch, kick, or trip everyone else off the "mountain," leaving you as the lone person standing. But we're talking about 2011...and extreme winter sports...so instead of just using a stupid hill...GET YOUR ASS UP ON THE ROOF! I'm thinking everyone will take the game a lot more seriously if the "mountain" in question is 40 feet off the ground. If you want to make it more challenging, you can try some of these variations:

-blindfold all of the players
-use those jousting sticks from American Gladiators
-drink heavily before playing
-play on the roof of a skyscraper

Whatever...you can use your imagination here. The winner gets a dollar and the loser has to shovel the entire roof.

TIP #2: HIDE THE BODY

Think about all of the snow that's around us right now. Now, think about all of the trash and excess shit you have laying around your house. Instead of bitching about being cooped up in the house, think about the golden opportunity sitting right outside your door! It's time to CLEAN THE HOUSE!

I don't know about you, but I always get disgusted on trash day when I drive around and see that some idiots have left oversized crap out on the curb...even though they know it's not appropriate for the trash guys to pick up. However, with all of this snow, I say it's fair game. Here's my brilliant idea: take out your old mattresses and toilets and couches and televisions and car parts...but here's the catch--you can't just chuck them on the side of the road...you have to BURY them in a snow pile! How clever is that? Extra bonus points if you can bury them in front of someone else's house without them knowing or calling the cops! By the time the snow melts, the item in question will probably be disintegrated into a pile of sludge...OR, if it's not the kind of thing that deteriorates that quickly, WHO CARES? It's someone else's problem now. Chances are, all of your fingerprints will have washed off with the melted snow. No evidence. Sweet.


TIP #3: SNOW AS A WEAPON

Listen. I'm all about peace and harmony and love and all that crap. But sometimes you need to just get rid of some rage and killing someone (as mentioned earlier) is not an option. I mean...I guess it's an option, but it's not really a viable one in most parts of the country. But you know what is? Throwing snow around. And you don't even need to throw it at people. One of my FAVORITE things to do in the winter is taking a nice, heavy snowball and throwing it as hard as I can at the death icicles hanging from my roof. If you're not familiar with death icicles, here's a visual:

By the way...when I saved this image from google...it saved as "icicles-of-death-1.jpg." Hee, hee. That rocks.

OK, so basically, take a snowball and fire away! Normally it takes a while to actually make contact, even for a former All-American ballplayer like yours truly. And sometimes, even if you do get a direct hit, the icicle just sits there and laughs at you. But every now and then, when the stars are aligned and you hit it just right, the icicle will come crashing down on the porch like a guillotine. It's a pretty awesome feeling...unless, of course, someone happens to get hit by the icicle. That kind of puts a damper on the game, so make sure the area is clear before starting. It's also smart to make sure there aren't any other breakable items in the path of the falling death icicle...for example, your porch light. We learned that the hard way.

Other great ideas for throwing snow...

-make a snow bunker in your front yard, hide behind the bunker and then throw snowballs at cars driving by too quickly (or those show-off fitness buffs who like to run outside in the winter)
-keep a stash of snowballs in the freezer, and throw them at the TV when you're watching the list of school closings and realize your school is not on the list
-keep a stash of snowballs in a cooler in the passenger seat of your car, and if you see one of those jerks who didn't clean his car off well enough, throw the snowball at the one clean part of his car

The possibilities are truly endless...remember, it's all about your attitude. GOOD LUCK!

xoxo