I'm Just Sick, Damnit

Great story...

So last week at work, out of the blue, I started feeling nauseous. Whatever, I thought. It's probably just the two giant iced coffees I had for breakfast and lunch. But then it kicked in again a little later (along with a pounding headache) when I was talking to a parent on the phone. Whatever, I thought. It's probably just the fact that this dude has me on speaker phone and his normal talking voice is like Macho Man Randy Savage. No biggie.

Then, around 2:15, I had a student in my office and I suddenly thought to myself, "HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO THROW UP ALL OVER THE PLACE I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND I AM GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH MY GOD THE ROOM IS SPINNING" and so forth. Thankfully, the young lad was wrapping up the conversation and getting ready to leave, which eliminated the need for an awkward OK I know you're in crisis right now but can you hold that thought while I sprint out of my office and dive head first into the nearest toilet? conversation.

The next five minutes were a blur of packing up my stuff, running around telling people I felt like ass, and then running out to my car. The 30 minute drive home was pretty terrible...if you want a visual, just picture a dog traveling in a car with its head hanging out the window. Except picture a very unhappy dog. Maybe he's going to the kennel. Or maybe he's going to be put to sleep. Got the visual? Great. Because THAT WAS ME.

Once I finally got home, I basically went back and forth between bed and the bathroom every five or ten minutes. I don't think I need to get into too much detail, because any of you who have ever had a stomach bug or food poisoning will probably NEVER forget the experience. Plus, we all know that as far as illnesses go, talking about the stomach bug is probably the least acceptable on the gross meter. Have you ever noticed that? There is a scale of grossness and I don't know who invented it...but basically if you want to talk about having a cold or allergies or a sunburn or whatever, that's fine. But talk about other stuff and FORGET IT! You're considered disgusting or accused of sharing too much information. Let's take a look at the Gross Meter, shall we?

THE GROSS METER - a cutting edge measuring system from your friends at The Octopus

STAGE ONE: NOT GROSS AT ALL

-sore throat
-headache
-muscle fatigue
-chills
-carpal tunnel

STAGE TWO: SORT OF GROSS

-paper cut
-toothache
-runny nose
-swollen anything
-acne
-mono
-cold sweats
-bee sting
-sunburn
-chicken pox

STAGE THREE: GETTING GROSSER

-ingrown toenail
-blisters
-warts
-hives
-scabs
-dripping boogers
-conjunctivitis
-broken bones
-PMS
-body odor

STAGE FOUR: PRETTY FUCKING GROSS

-vomiting
-lice
-dislocated body parts
-shark bite
-dandruff
-pus
-ringworm
-flesh eating virus

STAGE FIVE: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. EVER.

-diarrhea

Don't laugh! You know that's exactly how it works. You can say ANYTHING on earth and even if it's gross, people will somehow manage to accept it. You could have a dripping, oozing rash on your eyeball, and even though people might gag, they'd still ask if you were OK and offer you a tissue and a cough drop. But God forbid you say the word "diarrhea." It's like cursing someone's dead grandmother. For real...people look at you like you're an animal.

And even if you have a stomach bug like I did...people do NOT want to hear about your diarrhea issue. Seriously...just think about it. If I said, "I had a stomach bug. I was up all night throwing up," people would say, "OH NO that's terrible...that's the worst..." but it's kind of acceptable, you know? It sort of validates the whole sickness. Like ohhhh you threw up? Then you must have been sick. People actually feel sorry for you. On the other hand, if I said, "I had a stomach bug. I was up all night pooping my brains out," suddenly I'm seen as a villain or something. No one feels bad for me. I am shunned from society. Like Quasimodo. Why is that?

I'll never forget one day I was walking through the nurse's office my first or second year on the job...and an eighth grader I knew pretty well was sitting on one of the beds, hunched over and groaning a little. I stopped and said, "Oh, hey, Pablo*...you're not feeling well, huh?" and Pablo answered, "No." I asked, "Oh, that's too bad. What's wrong?" and Pablo answered, matter of factly, "Ughhhhh...I have massive diarrhea!"

*names have been changed to protect students who are open about their diarrhea

"Massive diarrhea." What a perfect explanation! I knew exactly how he felt. If he had said, "My stomach hurts" or "I don't feel very good" or "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I wouldn't have really appreciated the depth of his discomfort. So even though in the moment I was a little startled by Pablo's candor, I had to give the young lad props for saying what was really on his mind. After all, we want kids to tell the truth, right? Bravo, Pablo!

OK...enough about Pablo. Back to me and my issues.

So after taking a day off to recover from my "stomach problems," I returned to work, still a little queasy. Naturally, a lot of my co-workers approached me and asked how I was feeling...and I'm not gonna lie. I was pretty blunt about my situation. I didn't use the word massive to describe anything, but I think I used some other key medical terms like "butt explosion" and "stomach hell." However, for the people I'm a little less connected to, I showed a little restraint and used the generic "stomach bug." In most normal workplaces, one would think that would be the end of it. But no. Not where I work. You want to know why? Because I am a 32 year old female. And whenever a woman at my job between the ages of 25-40 mentions anything about having a "stomach bug," it automatically means something else....

SHE IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, folks. There is NO question about it. There is a baby on the way. Let's celebrate! Jump for joy! Do you have any names picked out yet? Hooraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Some of you might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I work in a school and 90% of the staff is made up of young women, newlyweds, etc, so it's just expected...or if it's just the fact that babies are exciting and people are hopeful...or if it's just that people are nosy and think they know everything and think it's totally acceptable to assume something so incredibly personal and life-changing about someone else. I'm sure any of those are possibilities.

Yeah, so back to me. Not only was I nauseous and sick to my stomach, but I was also smart enough to share that...

-I was extremely tired
-I had lost my appetite

Just in case you are wondering, these are two more HUGE pieces of evidence that support the notion that I am pregnant. Forget the whole stomach bug argument. Seriously...just forget it. I had at least three different people talk pregnancy with me on one day. They all had different approaches:

1. The Half-Joker: "Hmmm...maybe you're pregnant?" This one wasn't too bad. I laughed along and said, "Nope. Not pregnant, but thanks for asking." And that was the end of it.

2. The Serious Optimist: "Oh my God...do you think you're pregnant?!" This also wasn't too bad. The person was sincerely excited for me. I told her no. And that was the end of it.

but then, there was the worst one of all...

3. Cleo the Psychic: "Oooohhhhh I know what that means!!" (ME: "What does it mean?") "There's a baby on the way! These are the first signs! What did I tell you??!!!" (ME: "Nope, actually, I'm not pregnant. I just had a really bad stomach bug.") "Riiiight. Are you sure?"

and so on and so on and SO ON. I'm not kidding...this was the conversation. And it wasn't even funny or joking or sincerely concerned. It was accusatory. Like I was hiding something or had a secret and SHE was smarter than me. She was on to my tricks.

So let me get this straight--basically, if I ever complain about being tired or feeling sick or not being hungry or gaining weight or having sore feet or having a hangnail, my genius co-worker will think (sorry, KNOW) that I'm pregnant? Is this what I have to look forward to?

I finally got her to leave me alone by saying, "Listen...I'm really not pregnant." and she walked away with a smirk of disbelief on her face. I felt like I had to defend myself further. Looking back, I kind of wish I had said something more, like...

"Listen to me. I am NOT pregnant. I was home sick, crapping my guts out, because the kids at our school don't wash their hands. Deal with it."

"I'm not pregnant, you nosy jerk. I had diarrhea. Massive diarrhea, in fact. Would you like me to bring some pictures in next time as evidence?"

"Can you keep a secret? I'm not pregnant...but I'm sooooooo hungover. I just can't handle my liquor like I used to. I'm going to have to cut down to one bottle every morning with my coffee. Please don't tell anyone, OK? It will ruin my rep around here as a positive role model."

"Dude. I am NOT pregnant. Granted, my husband and I have sex every single day after school...on your desk, as a matter of fact...but sadly, we haven't been able to make any baby magic happen just yet. But don't worry...you will be the first to know when it happens."

Shoot. I always come up with the best things to say after the fact.