I'm Here for You

A few weeks ago, I hopped online and my yahoo home page greeted me with its usual collection of thought-provoking headlines…you know, stuff like:

Six Signs Your Boss Wants to Kill You

Robert Pattinson Steams Up the Set of Howard The Duck 2

How Using Coupons Can Make You Better in Bed

Twelve-foot tall Sixth Grader Ready for the NBA

However, there was a headline that (for once) seemed slightly relevant to my own life:

10 Tips for Beating the Back to School Blues

Oooooooh, I thought. I have the back to school blues! This article is for me! I should check this out!

And so I did.

And, like most things in life, the article was a complete friggin letdown. First of all, it was written by people at Oprah magazine, which automatically guarantees:

-the person who wrote the article has ZERO experience working in a school and is most likely employed as an artist, a holistic healer, or Gayle King.

-the article is way too positive for my taste and most likely incorporates quotes from “real life” people with 8-figure salaries and kids with really nice teeth.

-the article will without a doubt leave me feeling crappy about my life, my wardrobe, my financial status, and my teeth.

Needless to say, I was in a chipper mood before even reading the article. However, I decided to give it a try because, after all, it is still summer and reading an online magazine article sure beats the hell out of reading an actual book or something.

Well, friends…I have to tell you. Like so many other times in my life, Oprah let me down. Here’s why: The whole stupid article was about KIDS and PARENTS beating the back to school blues! What the hell? Not once was there a mention about teachers or guidance counselors. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to beat the back to school blues? You really think kids and parents are sad about going back to school? Dude…90% of the kids are probably pumped to leave their dysfunctional homes and return to some sort of normalcy with adults who aren’t completely psychotic. And the parents? Well, they are just glad they have something new and exciting to talk about for the next 180 days.

(All positive, of course.)

I decided I had to do something about this. There are a lot of people out there depending on Oprah to guide them safely back into the school year…and the article just didn’t cut it. So here’s what I did: I took Oprah’s 10 tips (for kids and parents) and translated them into something school staff can understand.

Here it is.

Maggie’s Octopus proudly presents…

10 TIPS* FOR BEATING THE BACK TO SCHOOL BLUES (FOR THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEED THEM)

*purely fictional and for entertainment purposes only. Maggie says that will help me not get fired should anyone become offended

OK, pals. Here goes. I’ll give you Oprah’s actual Ten Tips (and a summary of her explanation) followed by my thoughtful, teacher-friendly version:

1. Reconnect With Old Friends

THE OPRAH TRANSLATION FOR KIDS AND PARENTS: Don’t lose touch with kids from the previous school year! Have friends over! Reminisce about the past year and look forward to the year ahead!

THE MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS TRANSLATION FOR TEACHERS: Spend at least five hours a day on facebook. It helps to avoid the real world and makes you feel like you are still keeping in touch with your friends. It may also help you remember that your life really isn’t that bad at all, since most of your friends work throughout the entire year. Unless they are unemployed…which automatically makes your life WAY more awesome.

2. Create a New School Year Tradition

OPRAH: Do something fun at the end of the summer to celebrate and kick off the new school year! And make it a tradition! Have a barbecue! Or a neighborhood talent show! Or a family game night!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: Since you’ll soon be waking up at the ass-crack of dawn, have an “End of Summer Life Blowout” by doing all of the things you’ll have to kiss goodbye for the next 180 days. Drink heavily. Hang out with people over the age of 12. Stay up all night watching a Top Chef marathon. Enjoy time with your spouse/partner that doesn’t involve complaining about parents or money or time or the union or being unappreciated. Have sex more than once a month. And things of that nature.

3. Start an Achievement Tree

OPRAH: Get out your crafts, kids! Make a tree with branches! Then as the year goes on, stick leaves on the tree that indicate good things you’ve done! For example, one leaf might read, “I had a successful day at band practice!”

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: You know what? I’m a fan of trees. So I’ll humor Oprah on this one. But here’s the thing…your idea of a “good thing” is probably a little different than having a good day at band practice. Instead, you should focus on things that you did during the school year that helped you NOT get fired. Because you know after about Day Five, those are the true victories. Here are some suggestions:

“I didn’t lunge at the parent who told me her child was ‘just bored’ in my class!”

“I didn’t say the word FUCK during that parent phone call. Not even once!”

“I spent $400 on supplies for my classroom! And half of it was broken or stolen the first week of school! And I only cried three times! Yay me!”

NOTE: if you find yourself depressed because you have nothing to write on a leaf, just set the tree on fire.

4. Talk to Your Kids About Their Worries

OPRAH: Your child might have back to school butterflies about fitting in, keeping up, and all that jazz. Take time to talk with your child about overcoming their worries! And don’t worry…if you’re inept and can’t handle it, you can always seek out your child’s teacher or school counselor. Believe it or not, they have college degrees and actually KNOW how to help kids! And you thought they were just bums off the street!

(OK, so I may have injected a little of my own flavor into that Oprah section. Deal with it. It’s my blog and I’ll do what I want.)

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: Whether it’s your first year on the job or twenty-first, chances are, you’re going to have a little stress about going back to work. Trust me, that’s normal. Just have a few extra beers the night before and you’ll be FINE. When you find yourself in the position of not worrying AT ALL, then it’s really time for concern. See, that’s what we in the profession like to call “burnout.” That extreme level of apathy is a sure sign that it’s time to find another job…or, like many educators, to STICK AROUND and ride the wave of extreme bitterness until it’s time to retire! We all know there’s no way to get fired in education, unless of course you actually kill someone (important). And even that’s questionable, depending on how your particular union works.

5. Prepare for Good Mornings

OPRAH: Be prepared! Draw pictures of each morning step and post them in the kitchen! Or make a responsibility chart with jobs like laying out your clothes ahead of time, packing your lunch, and other smart things responsible people do!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: There’s nothing better than waking up and having all of your shit done ahead of time. Trust me, I understand. Lunch already packed: bonus! Clothes actually ironed and clean: SWEET! However, I’m also a realist. I know it’s a lot more fun to watch TV at night than to iron my clothes. I also know it’s way too tempting to eat my lunch at night if I pack it ahead of time. In a nutshell, good mornings are overrated. There’s no better way to start the day than by rushing around looking for a matching shoe, opening the bedroom door 47 times, turning the light on, and waking your husband up because you forgot to grab a pair of underwear the night before, and tripping over your dog in the kitchen while trying to grab a bag of microwave popcorn for lunch. That, my friends, is called LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. Besides, Oprah has personal chefs and maids and ironers and shoe finders who do all of her shit ahead of time FOR HER. Who does she think she’s fooling?

6. Reset Your Body Clock

OPRAH: You need to retrain your body to wake up early! So start going to bed and waking up early about a week before school starts! You don’t want to be cranky or groggy that first week back!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: This is bullshit, if you ask me. Don’t you think waking up early for a FULL WEEK before you actually have to will make you even MORE cranky? I sure do. Sleep is overrated. Besides, that’s what naps are for. And I, for one, am a huge supporter of naps. At home and at work. I bet Oprah looks down on those of us who nap…because we all know Oprah doesn’t nap. Because Oprah is a robot.

7. Create a Launch Pad

OPRAH: Make a “launch pad” on the floor near the front door out of blue painter’s tape! Put your backpack and belongings inside the pad the night before! Then it’s easy to “launch” to school prepared every morning!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: A launch pad? Seriously? That is the STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

8. Set Up for Safety

OPRAH: Plan out and discuss how the kids will get to and from school. Practice the trip ahead of time. Don’t talk to strangers (except for the creepy bus driver; he should be OK). Safety first!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: Think about staying safe on your way to work. Things to consider:

-Getting your coffee at the BEGINNING of the commute. Chances are, you just woke up about ten minutes prior to leaving. You’re tired. You’re not quite seeing straight. You’re not wearing any underwear. Coffee will help some of these problems.

-Texting and driving is fine during the summer, but once the school year starts, it’s a big no-no. You only get a certain amount of sick days, and wouldn’t it be a bitch to waste all of them at once because you’re laid up in a coma after a car accident that (probably) could have been prevented? So drive safely, turn off the phone, and use your sick days for something better…like that mental health shopping day in March or the time you’re really hungover after the Superbowl.

9. Put on a Happy Face

OPRAH: This one is aimed at parents. Oprah says it’s important for parents to “exude confidence and good feelings when saying goodbye on the first day. Seeing mom upset can put a damper on a child’s first day enthusiasm.”

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: Amen, Oprah! For once you’re making sense. You have no idea how many times I have had to talk a parent off the ledge when her kid is actually FINE and ready to rock. God knows I don’t get paid to be the parents’ guidance counselor. Get a grip, people.

And last but not least, Oprah’s final tip:

10. Make the First Day a Great Day

OPRAH: Make sure you have all the right supplies! Eat a good breakfast! Get to school on time!

MAGGIE’S OCTOPUS: Remember, friends. The start of school is inevitable…unless, of course, a hurricane hits and cancels your first day back. How sweet was that?!?!?!

Anyway, here are some final tips on making this year a smashing success:

-Crank the alarm up to HIGH. Remember to set it to “AM,” not “PM.” If I have to get to work on time then damnit, so do you.

-Hit Dunkin Donuts early and often.

-For God’s sake, wear something clean and presentable. At least on the first day of school. After that, anything is fair game.

-Adopt a mantra. “I can do anything for 180 days” works for me.

xoxo